Secrets: The Ambiguity In My Music

Secrets: The Ambiguity In My Music by HAYLI

If you stopped a stranger in the supermarket, and told them your life story, how personal is too personal?

It’s a question that I am asked extremely regularly as an artist. It’s actually a question that I ask myself before considering the release of a project.

Like any artist, the journey of creating the artwork is an exciting process. You’re delivering yourself. Expressing yourself. Sometimes feelings are so big that they need to be shouted to the world, but perhaps the parties involved can’t handle that. Maybe you can’t handle that.

So how personal is to personal?

Songwriting has always been a part of me. But for 22 years of my life, the lyric and verbal expression of this music never saw the light of day.

Violinist and pianist first, my music didn’t NEED a story line. It’s all up to the listener to create the emotion or story conveyed.

But for 22 years I also really underestimated how emotional I am. I buried it in my logical and independent nature. I have a strong mind. So strong that it sometimes silences my heart, mainly for the purpose of protection. But there are some emotions in life, or specific experiences, that become so big that silencing them ISNT protection.

Vulnerability is the key to a healthy heart

I discovered this when I attempted to write my first song; Mustang Crescent.

Mustang Crescent wasn’t really the first song I ever wrote. I released it at 24 and I can assure you… it didn’t take until 24 to realise that I had big feelings and opinions. But it did take until 24 to discover the power, strength and health in vulnerability and sharing of my emotions.

I used to be scared to say how I really felt. Sounds silly. I had safe spaces, but generally I’d keep the mushy or painful stuff on the inside.

I could communicate with anyone, but my mind ALWAYS jumbled the sentences of my heart for the benefit of the ears listening.

I actually hated that, I actually still do it, but I’m worlds better.

But it’s funnily ironic. Something that I suck at is something I am complimented on regularly.
“You’re so professional”, “you’re so in touch with your emotions, and so emotionally intelligent”, “how do you explain it so well and clearly without hurting people”.

Funny you should say that, I do hurt people. Mainly me. Not literally; for as deep as this post gets, I can assure you I take very good care of myself. I am healthy and proud of it. It just took some large scale experiences to realise that there is in fact balance. The heart and mind are a team, don’t bury the emotions with logic.

Anyway, this post focuses on the question “how personal is too personal?” Note that this question is not “how emotional is too emotional?”

They’re very different. When I discovered this as a song writer- it was end game. Since that moment, writing has become even more therapeutic than it started.

Mustang Crescent was released in 2022, but it was composed across the year of 2021. I had a close friend, who treated her partner very poorly. Even as I write this I wonder how much is too much. Out of respect it will always remain unknown (at least currently anyway), but I remember experiencing an influx of emotions toward her that I could never feel entitled to say to her face. After all… It wasn’t my relationship.

And as I write this I feel the need for a disclaimer- that I know I am not perfect. Mistakes in this world are welcome! (Listen to mistaken for that one 😉); but I struggled with this life lesson. She threw me a curveball. I should be here for her, but all I want to do is give her a hefty slap of reality across the face and support her (now ex) partner.

If you listen to the lyrics of mustang crescent, I wrote them from the perspective of both ‘her’ and ‘him’; with a dash of me. This is where I think “how personal is too personal” becomes a deeper question.

I didn’t reveal the ins and outs of the story line. I didn’t reveal the parties involved. I didn’t reveal my personal opinions to the entire event. I merely “wrote” the story in a way that could fit ANY human experience of loss, confusion and love as I possibly could. You can still hear that now. Mustang Crescent doesn’t imply romance, it implies loss. But more importantly, it implies that though this loss is incredibly painful, I have no regrets that it took place; “I woke up and you were gone, I didn’t seem to mind.”

It’s a very intended punchline. She lost a fiancé, he lost his ‘perfect’ life, I lost my respect for my then best friend.

Ambiguity in music is crucial to an extent. In my opinion. It’s not an educated opinion, rather a respectful opinion.

I could love you and not want to overwhelm you. I could hate you and want to tear you to pieces emotionally. But for some reason in both of these circumstances, I have enough empathy to feel that you deserve some respect and you’re probably not ready to hear it quite how I want to say it.

After all, I truely only understand my perception of our shared experiences. Even if we communicate well, I will never fully know your head and heart space.

Likewise, I will only ever know my head and heart space. Sometimes I am ready to talk about it, but not ready to face the music of all your opinions on my feelings. But I want you to know them, I almost need you to know them.

It’s like a Hayli tactic for expressing herself in that safe “don’t let the mind downplay the message of the heart” setting. It’s healthy for me. But am I ready for you to have an opinion toward those honest truths yet? Not really.

Who knows, I might blog again later and you’ll all know everything about me… but until then I shall remain that understated oversharing artist that you can all relate too. You and I both know you have secrets that are screaming from inside of you, that perhaps your world just isn’t ready to hear yet. They want to hear it, and they can, but they just aren’t ready to know or understand it.

From the artist that tells those big feelings for you, go sing your heart out in your living room, express everything! Specifically Mustang Crescent- excellent tune for those bigger feelings.
It’s so healthy… and only you and I will ever know what we’re really saying.
Secrets safe with me 😉

Hayli xx

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